Notice: These article is originally posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D. 2004.
Regretting our actions or words entails looking back at ourselves with judgment and sorrow. Feeling regret is considered by some to be the hardest emotion to contend with, because it is a compounded emotion. Its unremitting remorse may be accompanied by intense guilt, shame, and self-reproach. It is a feeling worth avoiding.
Some of the types of regret one may feel are Regret of circumstances, Regret of actions taken or withheld, Regret of choices and Regret of words and conduct toward others.
People may regret choices they made in life about their education, careers, business, purchases, friends, family, and other important decisions. They tell themselves that had they taken another route their present life would have been easier. In some cases that may well be true. For example, having gotten in trouble with the law at a younger age did deprive some people of productive years of freedom, while serving time in jail. In other cases, the regret is based on untested beliefs that only keep those individuals feeling badly about themselves. Assuming that had they chosen another career in life they would have been more successful, may or may not be true.
Probably the most common deep regrets people have are not of circumstances that were beyond their control or choices they made in life but of behavior or words that have damaged their self-worth. When people behave in ways that contradict their values they live to regret the damage done to others and to their sense of wholesomeness.Some people review their youthful conduct with regret about their callousness towards their parents, disrespect of elders or selfish behavior. Others may feel shame and sorrow about their unkind attitude toward some peers such as; bullying, exclusion, gossip, betrayal, name calling, spreading lies, racism, and other ways of demeaning others to promote themselves.
So, every additional season of our lives adds more past to review. Those who can look back at themselves with the comfort and few regrets are people who followed their conscience and found greater ease in their emotional life. Those who suffer from regrets are advised to find ways to alleviate their pain.
In all relationships it is wise to use the golden rule. If you would appreciate the behavior you are about to undertake toward your partner if it were done to you, then this is a healthy act. Spare all others. The sarcastic shaming words, the selfish disregard of a partner’s need, the contemptuous gestures, or the unkind deeds may serve our purpose at the moment, but since they are WRONG they will plague us later.
Hence, it is important to avoid today the words and acts that may become the source of future regret. Very often we KNOW that our about to be taken action is a compromising one, indecent, unfair, immoral or unkind to others. If we heed this instinctual knowledge, we may spare ourselves the pain of future regret.To avoid the pains of regret you need to:
1. Review your past with forgiveness and remorse.
2. Take action to re-mediate what you can and understand what was out of your control.
3. Repair past actions with positive ones in the present.
4. Refrain from behaving in ways that you KNOW will add to your future regrets.
5. Acting to avoid regret is one way toward decent conduct.
6. Remember that your view of yourself is the primary source of self-esteem and YOU can keep it healthy.
7. The less you find yourself saying "if only", the happier you will be and the more likely you are to be acting in a non-regrettable way.
Thus, we should learn to forgive ourselves but make sure we won't repeat the same mistake. Don't ever punish and give oneself no chance to correct themselves. No one is perfect, so give yourself chances to become as good as you could.
